| When a client reports difficulties sticking to her | | | | eventually have come to the realization that their |
| food plan for the week, I ask what happened to | | | | jealousy and resentment was rooted in fear: fear |
| throw her off track. Sometimes she can identify | | | | of change. As Judy learned to love and accept |
| the problem, but often she cannot. Unfortunately, | | | | herself, her relationship with others gradually |
| when this happens, I know just where to look. | | | | changed. This was her choice, but it put her |
| You see, some upsets don't quite register, and | | | | friends into the position of also having to change |
| this is more likely to occur when the source of | | | | in order to assimilate the new Judy into their lives. |
| the upset is someone close to you. Today, I | | | | Some of them might have felt "safe" around |
| would like to address a phenomenon that you | | | | Judy, who was not the most popular girl on the |
| might feel uncomfortable acknowledging. In fact, | | | | block. Others were accustomed to calling the |
| you might find yourself feeling protective and | | | | shots, since Judy never insisted on getting her |
| defensive when you read what I have to say, but | | | | way. Others knew they could rely on Judy to do |
| nevertheless, it bears careful discussion. | | | | anything because she was a people-pleaser, first |
| Ladies, I hate to say it, but your sisters and | | | | and foremost, and she never said "no." Her inner |
| girlfriends are very likely to undermine your | | | | work allowed Judy to begin changing certain |
| efforts to get healthy and fit. Yes, the women in | | | | behaviors, and then she lost weight. So you see, |
| your lives, the very women who love you, often | | | | Judy's changed behavior evoked her friends' |
| threaten your success. Therefore, it is my | | | | fears, but it appeared that the weight loss was to |
| unfortunate duty to warn every woman I counsel | | | | blame for bringing up their jealousy. Happily, Judy |
| to watch out for them! None want to believe me, | | | | was able to get past her friends' issues. She |
| and most don't want to talk about it, but the | | | | learned that she could not control their thoughts |
| head-in-the-sand strategy never works and, in this | | | | and feelings, nor did she want to. For the first |
| case, it can get you into real trouble. Silence will | | | | time in her life, Judy was in control of the only |
| not change the regrettable truth! | | | | person who mattered: Judy. In the end, she kept |
| Before I go on, let me reiterate an important | | | | her friends and lost the weight and has maintained |
| fact. The women in your life do love you, and | | | | both for many years! |
| they are happy for your weight loss success! It's | | | | Donna started with me at 290 pounds. She had |
| just that it pushes their buttons. When you are | | | | spent most of her adult life in one unsuccessful |
| suddenly in a different, wonderful place, they | | | | attempt after another to lose weight. Working |
| become a bit off balance. They have to shift | | | | with me, she finally started eating properly and |
| their long-standing image of you and in the | | | | thinking differently, mostly about herself. By the |
| process create a different relationship with the | | | | time she lost 50 pounds, she, too, began to hear |
| new you. I can already hear the protests: "I'm | | | | odd comments from the women in her life. |
| still the same person I always was, I just lost | | | | When she got down to about 240 pounds, her |
| weight!" No, ladies, you are not. You have | | | | cousin called and said, "You are out of control! You |
| worked long and hard, and you are a new | | | | have got to stop losing. You're wasting away to |
| person. Admit it and embrace it. You don't just | | | | nothing! You look like a skeleton!" Donna didn't |
| look different on the outside. Your outer | | | | think much about this conversation, but she had a |
| appearance is the physical manifestation of your | | | | bad week for the first time in months. It took |
| inner beauty, the beauty you have rediscovered | | | | some probing to jog her memory about the |
| on what you mistakenly believe is merely a | | | | cousin's warning because Donna got it: "Wasting |
| weight loss journey. | | | | away" at 240 pounds? A 240-pound "skeleton"? |
| It is unfortunate, but the enormity of your | | | | Her cousin could not be serious! So, Donna |
| metamorphosis can cause real anxiety among | | | | thought she had put it out of her mind. But it |
| your friends, and it is important that you | | | | bothered her. Why? Because it was her own |
| understand their feelings so you do not judge | | | | cousin and very dear friend, and there was that |
| them harshly. Let me share a couple of stories to | | | | hint of jealousy. That threw Donna off track and |
| illustrate my point. The first happened many | | | | her food log proved it. |
| years ago and was my first experience of | | | | I was able to show Donna that her cousin's |
| sisterly sabotage. This is Judy's story. | | | | skeleton sermon was a symptom of her fear. |
| A woman in her early 30s, Judy had a bit over | | | | Donna, you see, had always been the heaviest |
| 100 pounds to lose to get to her goal of 125 | | | | woman in the family, and now she was closing |
| pounds. As the months went by and Judy | | | | the gap between her cousin and her for the first |
| stayed strong, losing steadily, she and I both | | | | time in their lives. Once Donna understood that |
| heard compliments from everyone! There were | | | | part, true to form, she was beset by feelings of |
| many oohs and ahhs and lots of talk about how | | | | guilt for causing her cousin's unhappiness. Clearly, |
| amazing she looked. At that point, nobody really | | | | Donna had more inner work to do: she still had to |
| thought Judy would lose it all. They had been | | | | learn that nobody "makes" anybody feel any |
| down this road with her many times; however, | | | | particular way! |
| they were rooting for her, encouraging her, and | | | | Donna had to endure a few more skeleton |
| their praise was entirely sincere. Judy was looking | | | | sermons on her journey! Down to 220 pounds, |
| more beautiful every day, enjoying the positive | | | | she went to see a close friend whom she had |
| attention, and finally developing the self-esteem | | | | not seen in months. When the friend opened the |
| and self-confidence she sorely lacked in the past. | | | | door, the sight of Donna was so upsetting to her |
| Then, around the time the scale registered 150 | | | | that she actually started to cry, and they were |
| pounds, she began to sense a change in her | | | | clearly not tears of joy! The friend didn't know |
| friends' attitudes. Their comments started to | | | | how to explain what was happening, and so she |
| take on a different tone, one that Judy did not | | | | put it on Donna. "You've gone too far," she |
| pick up on at first. You see, it began to look as if | | | | warned. "You're nothing but a bag of bones." But |
| Judy were actually going to make it, that she | | | | Donna could see through this. By now she |
| would attain her goal for the first time, | | | | realized and accepted the truth that she had been |
| ever. Instead of words of encouragement, her | | | | playing the safe "fat friend" for a number of |
| girlfriends started using words of warning. "Stop it, | | | | women in her life. I hate to use that term, but for |
| Judy. You're wasting away," they observed with | | | | Donna, being the "fat friend" was a troubling |
| concern. | | | | reality. It's very hard to look at your closest |
| Wasting away? Were they serious? Oh, yes they | | | | friends and suspect that you're in their lives |
| were! Quite a few of them even called me, since | | | | because you're the "fat friend" who makes them |
| they knew I was behind this blasphemy! A close | | | | feel good about themselves. Ultimately, Donna |
| girlfriend of Judy's who weighed 150 pounds and | | | | mustered the strength to bring this truth to light |
| was also seeing me for weight loss called and | | | | and address the friend's issues. She was only able |
| said, "What is going on with Judy? I just saw her, | | | | to do so because she had come to see that |
| and she looks like a skeleton! You need to stop it!" | | | | most people process change by determining what |
| She was very angry. Now, I ask you, how could | | | | effect it will haveon them and only them. Her |
| a 150-pound woman, herself working to lose 25 | | | | friend's reaction to Donna's new appearance had |
| pounds, think that 152-pound Judy looked like a | | | | nothing to do with how she felt about Donna: it |
| "skeleton"? I honestly couldn't believe that she | | | | had everything to do with how she felt about |
| was serious, and I saw red when she finished her | | | | herself. |
| tirade with, "For goodness' sake, Berta, you can | | | | Is there anything you can do to change all of |
| see her bones. I think she's becoming anorexic." | | | | this? Sometimes asking why they are no longer |
| Marshalling every ounce of self-control, I retorted, | | | | supportive can have the effect of holding up a |
| "We're seeing her cheekbones because they are | | | | mirror to the green-eyed monsters, showing |
| not hidden under 75 pounds of fat! We are | | | | them someone they don't want to be. But |
| supposed to see our cheekbones, as well as our | | | | again, let me say this: they love you! You get |
| collarbones and our knees and ankles. | | | | that, right? This is not about you; it is about them. |
| Furthermore, anorexia is a very serious | | | | They don't feel good about some part of |
| psychological disorder, and it drives me mad when | | | | themselves and here you go taking away the |
| people use it so blithely to denigrate others. Judy | | | | comfort you have provided them in the past. |
| is eating healthfully for the first time and finally | | | | They just want their "fat friend" back! They don't |
| feeling like an attractive woman. She does not | | | | want to have to confront their own inability to |
| deserve to be put down for doing so, and I would | | | | commit to themselves and make much needed |
| appreciate it if you did not play with her head and | | | | changes. Furthermore, if the "fat friend" can |
| share your outrageous thoughts with her!" | | | | become slim, then they can't rationalize the state |
| I was too late. A few of Judy's other friends had | | | | of their bodies by thinking only super- models are |
| jumped on the "skeleton" bandwagon, pontificating | | | | slender, and real woman are round! You've given |
| about the dangers of eating disorders and | | | | them a lot to think about, and you know what |
| haranguing her to stop the madness. It didn't take | | | | they're going through because you started right |
| long before Judy began to wonder if she had, in | | | | where they are! Have compassion for both of |
| fact, gone too far and developed | | | | you. |
| anorexia! Needless to say, her food logs began to | | | | I apologize for having to bring this distasteful |
| reflect her wavering commitment to herself. I | | | | phenomenon into the light; thankfully, I am a |
| was new at this, and the audacity of these | | | | woman and can get away with saying all of this. |
| women made my blood boil! Why were they | | | | I hope you understand that I am not woman |
| doing this? What were they actually saying? Were | | | | bashing, but rather just stating an unattractive |
| they angry that Judy was finally taking care of | | | | fact of life. My purpose is not to suggest you |
| herself? Were they indignant that she might | | | | drop your friends or avoid all women, not to plant |
| reach her goal? Were they unwilling for her to be | | | | seeds of anger and resentment, but rather to |
| one of them? Were they incapable of accepting | | | | warn you of the effect other women's fears can |
| that they no longer had a "fat friend"? It fell to | | | | have on your determination to care for yourself. I |
| me to help Judy understand what was going on. | | | | know that when it happens you will be surprised |
| In truth, her friends were not consciously trying | | | | and hurt, so try to remember that they do not |
| to hurt her. They believed they were sincerely | | | | hate you and do not mean to hurt you; they are |
| concerned only for Judy's well being. | | | | just terribly afraid. Armed with this knowledge, |
| I know the friends sound petty and jealous, and | | | | perhaps you can face the skeleton sermons and |
| you might wonder why Judy wanted to hang | | | | sabotage by honoring the women who have not |
| onto them. So, let's think about it. Have you | | | | yet conquered their fears. I know that I hold up |
| ever reacted in a similar manner to a friend's | | | | all of the women in my life, not in spite of, but |
| unexpected transformation, inner or outer? | | | | because of, all they have gone through. I revere |
| Have you ever thought or said unkind words | | | | them, and I honor them every day. So please, |
| about a sister's newly emerging beauty? My | | | | do not put down your friends, your cousins, your |
| guess is that we have all done it at some point. All | | | | sisters, and your sister friends. Diminish them |
| of us. And since we have all done it, we should | | | | neither in your heart nor mind; neither with your |
| look within, not intent upon self-recrimination, but | | | | thoughts nor your words; neither in private nor in |
| rather with an eye toward gaining an | | | | public. Wish for them more than you have, and |
| understanding of our very human nature. | | | | you will be blessed with amazing women in your |
| If Judy's friends had been reflective, they would | | | | life. Women just like you! |